Maia's comment prompted me to write more about this - I never seem to get into words quite as much as is in my head.
The reason this gender thing is hard is because I've made my parenting choices up to this point based on NOT being dictatorial and trusting that a child knows how to play best without my interference (I know Maia and I both read the same book). I am actually suspecting that kids who identify strongly with their gender in this way are fulfilling a real need - and maybe it's healthy.
So, I won't trash the Barbie any more than I trash the gun play. But it will be just as hard to stomach - and the harder thing is that I don't think that I would be able to relate to it.
Part of why I am thinking about this lately is because Aidan has been making a lot of comments about what boys/men/girls/women do and like. Girls like pink. Men fix computers. I feel like I'm doing a lot of damage control, but not feeling like I'm getting anywhere with it.
While my niece was here I asked her if she has any blocks or legos. She doesn't have them at home, though she has them in school. But she informs me that only the boys play with blocks. "What do the girls play with?", I ask. She tells me the girls play "housekeeping". When I mention this to her mom later (if only because I wasn't sure that I heard her right), I am told that there is a kitchen / house kind of area with various cooking and cleaning toys and they call that area "housekeeping".
I could also look at it in a bigger context - Aidan is trying to classify a lot of things right now. He always wants to know if someone is a good guy or a bad guy - and there's not much room for shades of grey for him. Maybe it's just a stage of development. I find child development books too tiresome to try to research this.
Aidan's really into superheroes right now and my brother got him a set of action figures: The Women of Gotham City. Today he pointed to Bat Girl's bullet breasts and asked me what they were. This is a boy who nursed until only a few months ago. I said they were her breasts. He asked why she had them. I said, because she's a woman. He said, "No she's not, she's a girl. She's Bat Girl." It's a good thing that he notices that something's wrong here.
Comments
Oh, I'm with you on the whole identification thing. I understood what you were saying. My newest theory (and just about the only one that I've been able to really implement) about toys is that I should only buy Spike things that I would like to play with myself. Not because I am trying to indoctrinate him with any political beliefs (though I do that, too) but because I find that if he doesn't have toys I like, too, then I don't play with him as much, because I get mind numbingly bored. I found cars and trucks to be horribly boring. Sitting on the floor pushing those things around was like the fourth circle of hell for me. I now am completely horrified by his current obsession with Transformers. He LOVES them and received quite a few for his birthday and christmas. Luckily Ryan and my brother (who is living with us) have fond memories of Transformers from their own childhood, so they don't mind playing with them.
My compromise this year was buying a whole lot of Playmobile stuff, because their wee twee accessories (golden flagons for the Vikings! Interchangeable swords and shields for the knights! Tiny hats!) appeals to me in a doll house like way, and they are violent enough for Spike to enjoy as well (sigh). But look, if I had the child of my dreams, he wouldn't be a little girl who wants me to unendingly dress and undress her barbie, s/he would be a kid who wants to do nothing more than sit at my side and read books all day and maybe discuss celebrity dating habits. He would already be able to make his own lunch, too. And do dishes. And he would love fixing and fetching me cups of tea, too. And weeding.
The whole "housekeeping" thing is interesting, though, because I found that a lot of children I know of both sexes love the idea of miniature housekeeping implements. Spike has a tiny broom and dustpan, a mop and a bucket, a mini vaccuum cleaner that actually switches on and off, and a full set of kitchen stuff including a wooden stove I picked up at a garage sale. Also his own apron. And he uses this stuff all the time. Because he sees me (and to a lesser extent, his dad) doing this stuff, and I'm pretty sure that kids like to imitate what their parents do. Of course, having it broken down based on "girls play housecleaning" is horrifying - but my view is ALL kids should learn housekeeping - boy or girl.
The other thing I want to say about Barbies is that I think they are great toys for the tweens (pre-adolescent) set because they are a rich source of sexual fantasy play - I remember playing a lot of "dirty" games with my friend's barbies and their kens (or their barbies and their barbies, or their kens and their kens) - and it was a nice, safe way to figure some of that stuff out. I mean, Barbie is an adult woman (albeit a completely unrealistic form of one) so she lends herself well to such fun. I suppose it's more of what Gerard Jones had to say about Pokemon - toys are popular with kids because they fulfill some need. Barbie must fill a need. God awful transformers fill a need. Those fucking trucks and cars fill a need.
I always thought that MY boy would be a doll playing little William from Free to Be You and Me - but the fact is, his play borders on obsession, and aside from housecleaning, his obsessions have been traditionally "Boy" things. The kid could make the sound of a car before he could say "mama". And who can argue with obsession? Placing a few dolls in his way hoping that he would expand his horizons only got those dolls mowed over by monster trunks (and later shot with alien guns and stabbed with light sabers). We start out with such high ideals in this parenting gig, right? And you know, there are some things that I feel like I've done well and I'm proud of, but mainly I just sit back and wonder where the hell this fantastic creature came from. He looks just like me, (albeit in a red wig) he and I adore each other - but his mind works in totally unfathomable ways...
LADIES, WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT "BOY THINGS" OTHER THAN WHAT YOU READ IN SOME DUMB BOOK!!!!
"BOY THINGS AND GIRL THINGS" .... WHAT A HOOT...... LET THE KIDS GROW UP AND ENJOY LIFE.......
Right now A is probably into the phase where he is a classifying maniac - dividing things into very strict, black and white categories, hence the constant comments about what boys and girls "do". I't s just something he's going through, mama, don't worry that your damage control deons't seem to be taking effect. :) It's the long term infuences that count. And, LOL, by the time Barbies come up, you'll have already probably sturggled through the pink baby clothes, dolls, and wee dresses and petticoats from well intentioned folks so you may have a bit of preparation for the onslaught of girly-ness... :) Hugs, C!
Comments
Oh, I'm with you on the whole identification thing. I understood what you were saying. My newest theory (and just about the only one that I've been able to really implement) about toys is that I should only buy Spike things that I would like to play with myself. Not because I am trying to indoctrinate him with any political beliefs (though I do that, too) but because I find that if he doesn't have toys I like, too, then I don't play with him as much, because I get mind numbingly bored. I found cars and trucks to be horribly boring. Sitting on the floor pushing those things around was like the fourth circle of hell for me. I now am completely horrified by his current obsession with Transformers. He LOVES them and received quite a few for his birthday and christmas. Luckily Ryan and my brother (who is living with us) have fond memories of Transformers from their own childhood, so they don't mind playing with them.
My compromise this year was buying a whole lot of Playmobile stuff, because their wee twee accessories (golden flagons for the Vikings! Interchangeable swords and shields for the knights! Tiny hats!) appeals to me in a doll house like way, and they are violent enough for Spike to enjoy as well (sigh). But look, if I had the child of my dreams, he wouldn't be a little girl who wants me to unendingly dress and undress her barbie, s/he would be a kid who wants to do nothing more than sit at my side and read books all day and maybe discuss celebrity dating habits. He would already be able to make his own lunch, too. And do dishes. And he would love fixing and fetching me cups of tea, too. And weeding.
The whole "housekeeping" thing is interesting, though, because I found that a lot of children I know of both sexes love the idea of miniature housekeeping implements. Spike has a tiny broom and dustpan, a mop and a bucket, a mini vaccuum cleaner that actually switches on and off, and a full set of kitchen stuff including a wooden stove I picked up at a garage sale. Also his own apron. And he uses this stuff all the time. Because he sees me (and to a lesser extent, his dad) doing this stuff, and I'm pretty sure that kids like to imitate what their parents do. Of course, having it broken down based on "girls play housecleaning" is horrifying - but my view is ALL kids should learn housekeeping - boy or girl.
The other thing I want to say about Barbies is that I think they are great toys for the tweens (pre-adolescent) set because they are a rich source of sexual fantasy play - I remember playing a lot of "dirty" games with my friend's barbies and their kens (or their barbies and their barbies, or their kens and their kens) - and it was a nice, safe way to figure some of that stuff out. I mean, Barbie is an adult woman (albeit a completely unrealistic form of one) so she lends herself well to such fun. I suppose it's more of what Gerard Jones had to say about Pokemon - toys are popular with kids because they fulfill some need. Barbie must fill a need. God awful transformers fill a need. Those fucking trucks and cars fill a need.
I always thought that MY boy would be a doll playing little William from Free to Be You and Me - but the fact is, his play borders on obsession, and aside from housecleaning, his obsessions have been traditionally "Boy" things. The kid could make the sound of a car before he could say "mama". And who can argue with obsession? Placing a few dolls in his way hoping that he would expand his horizons only got those dolls mowed over by monster trunks (and later shot with alien guns and stabbed with light sabers). We start out with such high ideals in this parenting gig, right? And you know, there are some things that I feel like I've done well and I'm proud of, but mainly I just sit back and wonder where the hell this fantastic creature came from. He looks just like me, (albeit in a red wig) he and I adore each other - but his mind works in totally unfathomable ways...
LADIES, WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT "BOY THINGS" OTHER THAN WHAT YOU READ IN SOME DUMB BOOK!!!!
"BOY THINGS AND GIRL THINGS" .... WHAT A HOOT...... LET THE KIDS GROW UP AND ENJOY LIFE.......
Right now A is probably into the phase where he is a classifying maniac - dividing things into very strict, black and white categories, hence the constant comments about what boys and girls "do". I't s just something he's going through, mama, don't worry that your damage control deons't seem to be taking effect. :) It's the long term infuences that count. And, LOL, by the time Barbies come up, you'll have already probably sturggled through the pink baby clothes, dolls, and wee dresses and petticoats from well intentioned folks so you may have a bit of preparation for the onslaught of girly-ness... :) Hugs, C!